The higher value is to remain true to love…
The depth of love has nothing to do with one person or two persons. The depth of love has something to do, certainly: THAT YOU SHOULD REMAIN IN LOVE ALWAYS — that brings depth. Now, for example, you love a man or a woman. For a few days things are really fantastic. things are going beautifully. And then, naturally, things start becoming dull. There is nothing wrong in it, it is just the very course of nature.
You become acquainted with the woman, her ways; she becomes acquainted with you, your ways, your life-style — and when everything is known, interest starts dimming.
When everything is known and there is nothing surprising any more, how can the relationship remain fantastic? The wonder starts disappearing, things settle, become mundane, day-to-day, ordinary. This is what ordinarily happens.
Now you can go on living with the man or with the woman with the idea that if you change the man or the woman, love will never go deep. But the love is not going deep at all, the love is becoming shallower every day. Sooner or later, you will start taking the other for granted. There will be no joy in the other’s presence, you will not be thrilled by the other’s presence. You can go on clinging…
If you cling too hard, then nobody is going to be with you, because nobody wants an imprison-ment, nobody wants you to become a fetter. The more you cling, the more the relationship becomes ugly. First it loses joy, loses all charm, loses all magnetism, and then it starts becoming ill, pathological.
I call a relationship pathological when you are clinging only for clinging’s sake, there is nothing else to cling for. You are simply clinging because you are afraid to lose, afraid to change, afraid to move in a new relationship. Because the new — who knows how it is going to turn out? where it will lead? The new is dangerous because the new is not yet familiar. The old is familiar. settled, there is a certain security, a comfort, a convenience. When you start clinging for clinging’s sake, then it is pathological, it is ugly; it is NOT going to bring any depth in your relationship. All depth will disappear.
You can go and see. Millions of husbands and wives… What depth? What intimacy is there?
Now I am not saying that if you are with a certain person — with a man or a woman — and things are still growing, change. I am not saying that. Don’t misunderstand me. There are a few people who are so sensitive that they can go on finding something new in the other every day. There are people who are so aesthetic that they never feel that things are ever finished. Their sensitivity, their intensity, their passion goes on bringing new depths. Then it is perfectly good.
My criterion is: if a relationship is growing towards depth, it is perfectly good. Go on! Exhaust it if you can. But if it is not growing, if it is not deepening, if the intimacy is not flowering any more; all has stopped, and you are simply stuck because you don’t know how to leave and how to say good-bye, then you are destroying your capacity for love. It is better to move, change the partner, than to destroy love — because love is the goal, not the partner. You love a person, NOT FOR THE PERSON’S SAKE; you love the PERSON FOR LOVE’S SAKE.
Love is the goal. So if it is not happening with this person, let it happen with somebody else, but LET IT HAPPEN! Allow it a continuity. That continuity, that flow of love constantly happening, will take you deeper into it, will bring depth, will bring new dimensions, will bring new realisations.
So remember, if it is going good with one person… and by ‘good’ I don’t mean what is ordinarily meant when somebody says ‘They are a good couple’ or ‘Very nice’. I don’t mean that; those words just hide facts.
A ‘nice family’ means no conflict, no problem, things are going smoothly, the wheels of the mechanism are moving smoothly, that’s all. But a really beautiful relationship is not just nice; it IS FAR OUT! Never settle for less. Only a far out relationship can bring depth. If it is not happening, be courageous enough to say good-bye — with no complaint, with no grudge, with no anger. What can you do? If it is not happening, it is not happening.
You cannot make the other feel guilty. What can he do? Whatsoever he can do he is doing, whatsoever you can do you are doing. But if somehow it is not happening, you are not fitting with each other, you are not meant for each other, don’t go on foreign.
It is like putting a square plug in a round hole. Go on — it won’t happen. And if you succeed. there is every possibility that you may have destroyed the plug completely Then it will not be of any worth.
For thousands of years in India it has been thought that you should be true to one person.
I am teaching you a totally different thing. I am teaching you: Be true to love, not to persons. Be true to love. Never betray love, that’s all. If sometimes persons have to be changed, they have to be changed, but never betray love.
The old Indian tradition is: Betray love but never betray the person; go on clinging to one person. And when things have been there for thousands of years, they become part of your blood and bones, part of your marrow, and you start functioning unconsciously.
Become a little more conscious..
Down the ages you have been taught to remain true to persons, which is not a very high value. The higher value is to remain true to love. If it is happening with one person, perfectly good. I am not saying ‘Change’ — what is the point of changing? If it is not happening with this person, then let it happen somewhere else.
But LET IT HAPPEN, because if you miss love, you will miss all that is beautiful in life. If you miss love, you will miss the possibility of prayer too, because only love, when it becomes deep, brings you closer to prayer.