Scared of aloneness……..
I’m scared of aloneness. I’m not in a relationship right now, a fact which I like and simultaneously I don’t like.
That time when you will be able to be alone will also come, but that time has not come yet. So like or dislike it, you will have to be with somebody. Aloneness is possible only when one is really mature, and nothing can be done for that maturity immediately. Maturity comes by and by, when you live with people and you suffer and you enjoy also.
Through so many experiences of relationship, one day it dawns in one’s consciousness that one is enough alone, that there is no need to depend on others, that aloneness is not a kind of negative space but a deep fulfillment, that aloneness is beautiful that there is benediction in it. But that comes only after you have passed through many hells and purgatories…then only. You cannot jump to heaven; the way to heaven goes through hell. You have to pass through hell; that is the school — it trains you for heaven. So don’t be in a hurry; otherwise you will be in misery.
It is better to be related and miserable than to be miserable and alone. That is the only choice right now: miserable alone or miserable together. But when you are miserable together it is better; at least you can throw the responsibility on the other!
When you are absolutely alone, where to throw the responsibility? You carry the whole burden…not even somebody to share it! When you are miserable with somebody you can find causes, explanations why the misery is there. When you are alone there is no reason and no cause, so the mind feels very very unoccupied and the misery looks so on-going, eternal.
Right now choose that misery, the other kind, that people call relationship. It is a necessary evil to pass through. And one day you will be able to pass beyond it but right now the moment has not come. When it has come you will not feel misery at all in being alone, you will feel on top of the world. There is no joy compared to that, no relationship can bring that joy. A relationship always remains a mixed phenomenon: a few moments of joy and many more of misery. That is the cost one has to pay for those few moments of joy.
But if you are alone right now, even those few moments will not be there; it will be just misery and misery and one feels monotonous. When you are with somebody, at least misery changes colors, shapes, forms. In the morning it was one thing, in the evening it is something else. It is misery all the same (chuckling) but it changes! So you find some poor fellow. Start looking!
from : The Sun Behind the Sun behind the Sun #24