You just go on seeking, searching, finding. There may be many errors, but there is no other way to grow….OSHO
EVERY TIME I HAVE LOVED SOMEONE AND AFTERWARDS DUG INTO IT, I HAVE FOUND THAT IT WAS NO LOVE AT ALL. IT WAS SOMETHING ELSE IN THE NAME OF LOVE. THUS I NOW HAVE NO FAITH IN LOVE. I JUST CANNOT BELIEVE THAT WE CAN LOVE AS WE ARE.
The questioner says, and rightly so, that whenever he has been in love he has found something else masquerading as love, so he has lost faith in love.
The first part is absolutely. right: if you observe deeply, you will find something else always hiding behind love, something counterfeit. But the counterfeit can exist only because real coins exist. If there were no real coin, how could a counterfeit exist? Sometimes it is possessiveness which hides itself behind love, sometimes it is lust, sometimes something else, jealousy.
But why do they hide behind love? — because they feel love is a real coin, and you can pretend and hide behind it. You can be safe behind love. Whenever you hide yourself somewhere, it simply shows that somewhere that place is protective; it can become an armor around you. Why does everything seek to hide behind love? — because love is the greatest protection in the world, the greatest reality in the world, the only energy. Everything else is false; love is true. All that is not love is false, and whatsoever you are doing which is not love is a sheer wastage. All that is love is true, and whatsoever you do on the path of love increases your being, gives you more truth, makes you more true. Knowing this, everything hides behind love because love can give protection. Love is so beautiful that even ugly things can hide behind it and pretend to be beautiful.
I was reading Shepard's book, BEYOND SEX THERAPY. He relates one incident.
He was in love with a woman, a young woman. A few friends had come to see him, but the whole time he remained with the woman, talking to her, as if he was not interested in the friends. They felt a little offended, and they told the woman, "We know Shepard better than you. He has been in love with many women, and this comes and goes. So remember it: sooner or later he will get interested in some other woman. What are you going to do then?"
The woman said, "I will feel jealous, but that is my problem. But I would like my man to know every sort of love, to know all that is possible before he dies. I will feel jealous, but that is my problem. That I have to tackle, and I have to get over it. That has nothing to do with him. As far as he's concerned, this is my desire: that he should know all that he wants to know before he dies, because once gone, one is gone forever. I would like him to live as richly as possible. If problems arise, like jealousy, then they are my problems."
This is what love is. It knows the distinction between jealousy and love. It is not confused about it. The jealousy cannot hide behind it; it cannot pretend to be love.
So the first thing is right, the questioner is absolutely right: "Every time I have loved someone and afterwards dug into it, I have found that it was no love at all. It was something else…" perfectly true "… in the name of love. Thus I now have no faith…" That is wrong — because you have not known love yet. How can you lose faith in love, which you have not known yet? You can lose faith in jealousy, you can lose faith in possessiveness, you can lose faith in anger, you can lose faith in lust, but you have not come across love at all so how can you lose faith in it? To lose faith or to have faith, at least some experience of love is essential — and you have not come across it.
Dig a little more and you will be able to sort it out now. What is jealousy? — you know; what is possessiveness? — you know. This is good; you are evolving. This is how everybody has to evolve. In the beginning, everything is mixed — as if mud is mixed in gold. Then one has to put the gold into fire: all that is not gold is burned, drops out of it. Only pure gold comes out of the fire. Awareness is the fire; love is the gold; jealousy, possessiveness, hatred, anger, lust, are the impurities. You are becoming more aware. Now you see what jealousy is, and you can see it is not love. Half the battle is won; fifty percent of the battle is over — you can recognize jealousy. But you have not yet known what love is. You are on the right track. But don't become hopeless, don't lose courage, don't lose faith, because sooner or later you will be able to know what love is. You are coming closer to home.
Don't be in such a hurry. Truth tends to reveal itself. Truth is revelatory, truth is revelation. You just go on seeking, searching, finding. There may be many errors, but there is no other way to grow. Trial and error is the only way. By and by, you go on eliminating the errors. Less and less errors happen, and more and more purity becomes available. Don't stop in the middle.
Don't be in such a hurry. If it has been wrong so far, don't think it will be wrong all the way. At a hundred degrees, suddenly it turns right. One has to penetrate all the impurities. But you are on the right track, so be happy.
And it is because of a deep desire for love that you have been able to recognize what is not love. Otherwise, how would you recognize? You can recognize that this is not gold because gold exists. Otherwise, what is the criterion to know that this is not love? You have some tacit understanding; it is not conscious yet, it is tacit, deep down. That is the meaning of understanding, understood. You have a tacit understanding, some deep undercurrent which knows what love is. That's why you can find 'this is not love', 'that is not love'. Good, you are on the right track. Go on to the very end, all the way.
It is because of the possibility of love that you have become aware of jealousy, of possessiveness, of anger, of lust, of greed, of indulgence, of gratification, and a thousand and one things. But the central core is dependent on a tacit understanding of love.
Truth tends to reveal itself.
Truth has a tendency to reveal itself. If you just become a little alert, you will always know what is true. Truth need not be learnt; one needs just to be a little alert, and then the truth reveals itself. Revelation is intrinsic to truth. And when truth is revealed, a thousand and one lies are also revealed simultaneously, all the lies that were pretending to be truth when the truth was not known.
Truth has a tendency to reveal itself. Just be a little alert and your heart will show you the path. And then nothing will be able to hide behind love. Things can hide behind love because you are unconscious. It is not a fault of love, it is your unconsciousness. So don't distrust love, distrust unconsciousness. Don't lose faith in love — love has not done anything to you. Nothing wrong has love done to you. In fact, in spite of you, it is love that is keeping you alive. I repeat: in spite of you it is love that is keeping you alive. Lose faith in unconsciousness. If you are conscious, then nothing can hide behind love. Then no counterfeit can deceive you.
"It was something else, always in the name of love. Thus I now have no faith in love."
That is absurd. The logic is incorrect. You have not come across love; how can you lose faith in love? Dig a little more, go to the very end of it: you will always find purer gold, the deeper you go into yourself.
It is just like digging a well: first you dig a well — you just get stones, rocks, rubbish; after that layer, more pure soil; after that layer, wet soil; after that, muddy water; after that, purer water. The deeper you go, purer springs become available. And this is so inside your heart also. On the surface there is just dirt, dust, rocks, then dry earth, then wet earth, then muddy water. But don't lose faith; you are coming closer to home — then, pure water.
"I just cannot believe that we can love as we are." That's true — you cannot love the way you are. But there is no need to choose to remain the way you are. You can change. There is no need to cling to your structure. You can destructure it.
That's what I'm doing here; that's all that we are trying to do together: to destructure you so that you can be realigned, so that you can be rearranged, so that the old disappears and the new is born.
This is true — that the way you are you cannot love. But there is no reason to lose faith in love. Lose faith in yourself, lose faith in your ego. If it is you who is preventing you from loving, then drop this you — because love is worth it. Millions of you's are not as valuable as a single moment of love. Drop this structure. Choose the sky, don't choose the cage. The you you are feeling you are is nothing but the cage given by the society. Choose the sky drop the cage.